How to Care for Your New Floral Arrangement
We hope that you love your bouquet from FlowersForever! To help keep your blooms fresh and vibrant, so that you may enjoy them for as long as possible, please follow our simple flower-care instructions.
First, remove the leaves from each and every stem, as the leaves harbor bacteria that can lead to a smelly flower disease. You’re probably wondering why we didn’t do this step for you, and it’s because it takes a really long time and we just didn’t want to. Our core belief is that gifts that make you work hard and require constant upkeep are more appreciated.
Before placing your bouquet in a vase, you’ll want to thoroughly wash the vase. Then use a sharp knife to trim the stems half an inch at exactly a forty-five-degree angle (any deviation from that grade and you’ve ruined your entire bouquet). Next, fill the vase with fresh water. You will repeat these steps every single day.
Now, I know that some of you received these flowers because you just had a baby or got a promotion at work (congrats!), and you’re insanely busy. There’s a good chance you’re thinking, “You have to be fucking kidding me. Who would get me a gift that requires even more from me during this hugely demanding time in my life?” And the answer is: your friends and family. Some customers have found the stem-trimming therapeutic for releasing anger toward friends and family for sending a gift that shows such basic disregard for their actual needs. These breakthroughs can be difficult but transformative. You’re doing the work.
We’ve included a packet of flower food that will help keep bacteria at bay. It turns out that when you kill a living thing it starts to decompose, which is gross. But since your flowers might not yet realize that they’ve been killed, just keep feeding them so that they stay in a state of blissful ignorance. The plant food looks like a packet of cocaine, but we promise you it’s most likely not. When this runs out, some people will tell you to pop an aspirin in the water. That works fine, but if you have any Klonopin, Xanax, or Lexapro around the house, that works even better. And considering that someone just sent you flowers, you must be going through something either very bad (and depressing!) or good (but anxiety-inducing!), so we’re sure your medicine cabinet is fully stocked.
Display your flowers in a cool environment. They’re extremely high-maintenance and prefer a temperature somewhere between sixty-five and seventy-two degrees Fahrenheit, preferably away from any vents, radiators, sunshine, bananas, cats, or ugly shit in your home. Bad design choices make your flowers wilt faster. Flowers specifically hate accent walls, rattan chairs, and anything acrylic. Be sure to remove any flowers that have begun to wilt. It makes the other flowers sad and reminds them of their impending doom.
For those of you who received a bouquet because you are ill, you’re really going to need to suck it up and find the energy to get out of bed to care for your flowers. One saying we like is: Fluids for you, and fluids for your buds! You’re in this together.
For those who are mourning a loved one, our deepest condolences. We wish that our society had come up with an alternative to flowers for this situation. We realize that watching a once-living thing’s slow demise is potentially triggering. Sorry about that! But, until we dismantle capitalism, enjoy your begonias.
For those receiving these flowers for a holiday, anniversary, or birthday, we are so happy that your partner remembered! Our company motto is: Generic gifts are better than no gift at all.
For a limited time, if you refer a friend to FlowersForever, we’ll mail you some free extra “plant food.”
The FlowersForever Team ♦
via Humor, Satire, and Cartoons https://ift.tt/NqMpYFB
January 25, 2023 at 03:06AM